Jabez

Why is this?

I’m choking inside.

I’m choking outside.

Why does life have to feel like an entire Serving of apartheid — 

In every direction I go —

I sit and finally

Gain the courage to smile

But am then scolded and ordered to frown — How? Am I this bad of a person? 

Is it my fault I was born upside down?

I don’t see myself as a pessimistic person,

But if you had my problems,

You couldn’t help but rule this

As your karmic path — 

Meant to shame you

For living a poor past life. 

Did I not wish to

Sell my soul and comply?

Did I not wish to be your housewife?

My sisters and brothers say

All of this weight is just a giant test

For the strength

Already stored inside of me — 

Explaining I’m not given more than

My Libra scale will offer

But I am deaf

To the irony

Stored in their throats 

As they continue to

Move their lips and remind me 

I’m just too pale for their sun-kissed skin — 

Saying how I must surrender my details

To prove I’m one of them.

So, I cry to Him –

Laughing with desire to cheer up.

But the lifetime pain of this

And more is too strong.

I can’t lift nor see my own cup.